Worst stand-up routine of all time

From Wiki Gonzalez

The Worst Stand-Up Routine of All Time

A frog, a pirate, and a nun walk in a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "All of you, get the f#ck out right now."

So I was reading the paper the other day, and it seems like all the economic indicators are suggesting we'll be in a bear market for the next couple of years.

[pause, as the audience waits for a "bear" joke]

It's a good thing I invest in mutual funds.

(smashes watermelon)

So I have to get this... uh... radon gas meter installed in my house. It seems that there's this posibility that a lot of poisonous fumes could be released from the ground and give me cancer.

They don't make the ground like they used to.

(follow-up)

Now I have to pay a little more for my homeowners insurance.

(follow-up)

I had a great-aunt die of radon poisoning.

She didn't have a radon detector.

I don't understand what's all this with toothpaste. I mean toothpaste ads. You-you turn on your TV, and there they are. I mean...

I mean... there are more important things than too-toothpaste. Like happiness? Like ....love?

So what's the deal with cancer?

You know what, you see, sometimes, you see people on hot-air balloons. I mean, seriously. Folks, it's the twentieth century. We got a little thing called airplanes.

And blimps. Don't get me started on blimps. I mean, airships. Don't get me started on them.

Dirigible. That's a funny word! (possible stuttering on the "dirigible")

There's this guy named Dial, and you know what? #### him.

So what's up with this Richelieu guy and big centralized government?

This is the part of the stand-up routine where I kill you.

Speaking of, you should've seen this one boss I had. A real boss.... from Hell! If you know what I mean!

Now, what was his name, again?

(followed by many seconds of silence)

So there's this guy, and he walks into a bar, and says "Ouch."

Two guys walk into a bar. You figure the second guy would have seen it coming.

Hey, I just flew into town and, boy, I'm suffering from jet fatigue!

A funny thing happened on the way to the store. It was closed.

A man goes to a doctor and is told he has only six months. He asks for a second opinion and the doctor tells him he arthritis, too.

My wife says to me that she wants to go somewhere she's never been before, so we went to Las Vegas.

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