Meatwad

From Wiki Gonzalez

Meatwad is the arch-nemesis to raccoons and intelligence. He also hates correct spelling and complete sentences, particularly when he's Meatwasted. He has three brothers, and two, Pops Freshenmeyer and Dan The Mediocre, are also Primates. He is based in South Bend, Indiana and belongs to the set of Cub fans on BTF.

In 2005, Meatwad joined the United States Air Force. He has requested that if he dies in the line of duty, a thread in his honor be filled with tasteless jokes. [1]

When the Lounges became too lengthy for Jon Daly to read on his own, he hired Meatwad as an intern to summarize them for him. Somehow, the job just doesn't seem to be working out, partly because this Wiki has rendered Lounge summaries unnecessary.

He also wishes death upon Dusty Baker or, even better, permanent incapacitation. Clearly this is because he's a bigot.

A bigot is a mass of metal, such as a bar or block, that is cast in a standard shape for convenient storage or shipment.

"i use it mainly on house hold objects that need to go" - Meatwad on his BB gun, August 30 2005 IRC

meatwad's shopping list: 1.aviator shades 2.tanning oil 3.volleyball net & ball 4. Buffy DVDs for RGD 5. Astroglide 6. Pocket rocket 7. lighter fluid 7a. Weed 8. fire extinguisher 8a. More weed. 9. Ding-Dongs. 10. Dude, um, what about the weed? 11. Taco sauce 12. 10lbs., pork 12a. Percocet 12b. Jello. Original or pudding 13.Kelly Tripucka hair grooming kit 14.Bottle of pluto water from French Lick 15.Salami....from the White Shadow 16. The Little Latowski Lunchables. 17. Apple Butter. 18. Cookies. 19. Tofu 20. Naan 21. Hummus 22. Neoprene wet suit 23. Richie Rich comic book 24. Fish sauce 25. A-1. 26. Venison 27. Slim Jims

Top 60 things overheard during meatwad's air force career:

The U.S. Air Force recently declassified some documents. Other quotes from Airman Latowski’s tenure have been released…

60. "He invaded Paris? (sigh) We’re not talking about France--are we?"

59. "Soldier, we appreciate your zeal for national security but I can assure you that the WAC's shower room is not harbouring terrorists."

58. "That was the Nevada State Police again. They found another 'mutant baby'--I told you it was a mistake to assign Latowski to Area 51."

57. "Latowski just reported that he blew up 'The Death Star' ... I think we can safely classify this as one of those 'don't ask, don't tell' scenarios."

56. "How there be no missing files? You just said all the WACS in the JAG office are missing their briefs."

55. "THE 3000 MILE CLUB IS NOT A LEGITIMATE REASON TO COMMANDEER THE SPACE SHUTTLE!!"

54. "Who hooked up SETI to the 'Playboy Channel'?"

53. He said making Screwdrivers with Agent Orange adds a little kick..."

52. "Does he have to yell 'BOMBS AWAY' every time he uses the latrine?"

51. “Is that the guy who thinks the landing strip is an exotic dance?”

50. "We've would've evacuated the entire city in record time if we didn't put Latowski in charge of the YWCA."

49. "Any idea why he puts on a name tage with 'Reveille' on it and stands outside the women's barracks every 6:00 AM?"

48. "It's a communique from Washington, they're accusing our base of habouring weapons of mass conception."

47. "You don't get your wings from the base pharmacy now take that silly thing off your uniform."

46. "His boots are always that shiny before he goes over to see the WACS."

45. "...AND ANOTHER THING: STOP REFERRING TO YOURSELF AS MAJOR JOHNSON!!!"

44. "Is he the guy that thought 'cockpit' was slang for a WAC?"

43. "I don't get it, he was all happy when he told he'd have to spend three hours in the simulator but he's been so cranky since he's gotten out."

42. "He must have just returned from furlough, the PX is out of antiseptic, bandaids and prophylactics."

41. "Either its a new unbreakable code from Intelligence or its another report from Latowski."

40. “Yes sir, the cargo is utterly secure. Man, where did he learn to tie things up like that?”

39. “I realize it‘s sacrilege to hang ‘Old Glory’ that way Captain but still, you've got to admit that it's pretty impressive.”

38. “He said he was rehearsing a part for an upcoming USO play ‘Skanks in Tanks.’”

37. “Well the WACS certainly respect him. Every time he's speaking with one they're on their knees.”

36. “I was showing the STD film to the newest recruits AND HE WAS IN IT…REPEATEDLY!!”

35. (phone conversation): “Well sir, after I put Latowski on security detail he put the base on high alert and went to the secretarial pool to perform body cavity searches” (pause) “No sir, I don't know what he meant by ‘LOOK…NO HANDS!!’”

34. “If he says he ‘digs fox holes’ so much why isn't he in the army?”

33. “Latowski is back from his stint in Baghdad. He said in nine months there'll be an increased American presence in the region. Any idea what the hell he's talking about?”

32. “Well suh, what ah said was that since 9/11 that whorin’ tara is a reality and that ah expect ev'reh soldiah to do his paht. He saluted and said ‘Yes sir! I’ll find her sir!’ and he's been AWOL evah since.”

31. “He claimed that the country Nasa had invaded Texas air space and he shot down the biggest-assed fighter jet he'd ever seen.”

30. "He said: 'If I can't take a WAC into my bunk during inspection then the terrorists have won.'"

29. "I guess we'll have to order more Purple Hearts then."

28. "When posed with a question you will answer this court martial tribunal with 'yes sir,' 'no sir,' 'I don't understand sir,' or 'could you repeat the question sir.' You will not answer this tribunal with 'eat it bitches'...do you understand?"

27. "I'm serious, he hung an 'Area 69' sign over his barracks door."

26. "I served in Korea, I served in 'Nam, I served in the Persian Gulf and I've never seen a manscaping wound like that before."

25. “According to Sgt. Susan Morgasm’s maternity leave request she yelled at Latowski: ‘I am your drill sergeant…do you know what a drill sergeant is for??’”

24. “Is it just me or do we seem to be going through a lot more chaplains lately?”

23. “According to Airman Latowski, Corporal Bartman felched that live grenade voluntarily.”

22. ““How could he be AWOL? He showed up in eight different bed checks last night.”

21. "(sigh) Son, what I said was: 'Would you please demonstrate to the general the proper execution of Operation J.'"

20. "Why did we have to show 'Top Gun' in the rec' hall? Now all he does is sing 'Highway To The Erogenous Zone.'"

19. "Whaddya mean 'Do I remember Greenland'?"

18. "I don't care if she's proud to be a member of the mile high club the general is still gonna be pissed."

17. "THERE IS NO FREELANCING IN THE AIR FORCE!!!"

16. "O.K. who replaced the oxygen mask with a bong?"

15. "This is gonna make 'Tailhook' look like a boy scout jamboree by comparison."

14. "No we don't give Purple Hearts to guys who smoke while doing shots of Everclear and jet fuel...we make them officers."

13. "All I'm saying is that there appears to be a lot more WAC's going on maternity leave lately."

12. "Are you talking about the guy who yells " I'm right here bitches " during roll call?"

11. "Look, I don't mind when guys paint shark faces on noses of their jets, but that's just plain smutty."

10. "Dammit, it was Air Force One...we can't simply call it a 'friendly fire' incident."

9. “This is a day that will live in infamy…”

8. "Call the embassy and wake up the ambassador...again."

7. "So explain to me again what 'Def-Con Latowski' is again?"

6. "Well, look on the bright side, NORAD was due for an upgrade."

5. "There's a lot of static sir, all I could get was 'Wrigley Field' and 'smoking crater'...."

4. "Is Richie Phillips in charge of JAG? Because everybody just resigned."

3. “PETA just called sir, something about a beagle sitting on top of a doghouse that just got blown to hell.”

2. "General, have you seen the movie 'Fail-Safe?' Well it's kind of like that."

1. "Tower to Latowski 'Outta the way bitches' is not the proper code for landing clearance."